All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
