I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
