I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
