My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
there's paper in my vomit.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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