Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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