my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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