and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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