I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
