remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
