I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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