remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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