i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He did a backflip because drugs
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
