just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
