I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize