I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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