I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
