I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
