The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
