bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
