i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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