Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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