ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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