I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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