You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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