My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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