I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
