So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
