Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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