Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize