you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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