Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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