I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
