he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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