Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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