3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just cropdusted the office
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
