so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
