the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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