I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
