The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
