as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
