I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
