He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
