: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
