I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize