I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
