you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
