i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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