Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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