Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
NoShamevember. You game?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
