To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
