Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
