You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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