dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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