I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize