i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
