Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
