Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize