I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
